[222] Letting Go

I’m at a point in my life where tedium has replaced ideas in my brain. The concept of time is just a construct and the passing of it as ignorant as my ignorant breaths.

I lie in bed, fully awake in my physical form but half asleep mentally. The internal voices have died down into an abyss and the resistance of doing any worthwhile has populated every part of my skin. I’m imprisoned.

Okay. Awareness of the imprisonment is the first step to a solution, they say. What they don’t say is how you defeat this resistance. Or they say it but the resistance doesn’t let me hear it. I stay in bed.

Have you ever betrayed someone? They have an idea of you and you do something so drastically different that they feel betrayed. I think these thoughts in preparation of betraying my imprisoned shell of a body. I wake up with a jolt.

There’s a quiet feeling of success. A smile on my face is a blow to the resistance inside me. But then it smiles back. I open up my phone and get lost inside the labyrinth of scrolling and dopamine it all provides. Quick fixes of the hunger of my attention. I know why resistance smiled now.

I’ve kept the phone in another room. No distractions surround me. Only I and my thoughts live in this reality. I pick up the pen and resistance surprises me with it’s appearance. I think of all i’ve learned today.

I betrayed myself. I put out all the distractions. I surrendered all the satisfaction from the quick fixes. Was it all for nothing? I look at resistance for one last time as I write it finally. I write what you’ve been reading all this while.